Peter Gallagher, renowned for his roles from the ‘80s and ‘90s classics like “Sex, Lies, and Videotape” to the beloved Sandy Cohen in “The OC,” recently shared his thoughts on love and marriage in a special episode of “Modern Love.” In celebration of the podcast’s 20th anniversary of the “Modern Love” column, Gallagher discussed Joe Blair’s essay, “Failing in Marriage Does Not Mean Failing at Marriage,” offering personal anecdotes and reflections on his 41-year marriage to Paula Harwood. This article delves into Gallagher’s perspectives, drawing from his interview to provide insights into lasting relationships, commitment, and the nuances of love.
Peter Gallagher: More Than Just a Hollywood Heartthrob
While Peter Gallagher initially gained fame portraying complex, often flawed characters in films, he has endeared himself to a new generation as Sandy Cohen, the epitome of a supportive father and husband. This contrast in roles highlights Gallagher’s versatility as an actor, but as Anna Martin from “Modern Love” notes, meeting Peter reveals a man much closer to Sandy Cohen in real life – a devoted family man. His Instagram, filled with heartfelt captions about his children and affectionate selfies with Paula, further cements this image. On the very day of his interview with “Modern Love,” Peter Gallagher was celebrating his 41st wedding anniversary, a testament to his enduring commitment.
41 Years of Marriage: Peter Gallagher’s Perspective
When asked about his impressive 41-year marriage, Peter Gallagher humorously downplayed it as “embarrassing” in show business. He elaborated, explaining his reluctance to publicly boast about marital longevity, fearing it might jinx things. He emphasized that marriage, for him, is not a static achievement but a “living, breathing thing,” akin to a garden that requires constant nurturing. This grounded perspective sets the tone for his advice on making a marriage last: “Don’t get divorced.” While seemingly simplistic, this advice underscores the importance of commitment and perseverance.
Gallagher further elaborated that life, including love and marriage, is filled with uncertainty. He believes in “listening to those subterranean streams” – trusting one’s intuition and navigating relationships with a degree of faith rather than absolute certainty. He highlights the importance of accepting the inherent uncertainties in life and relationships, suggesting that resilience and adaptability are key to long-term commitment.
Meeting Paula: A Stairwell Encounter
Anna Martin, diving into Peter Gallagher’s personal history, brought up the charming story of how he met his wife, Paula. It was during their first week of college at Tufts University, a classic meet-cute on a stairwell. Gallagher vividly recalled the moment, describing Paula in detail – her “spectacular hair,” “tight turtleneck,” “disco belt,” “tight corduroy bell bottoms,” and “platform shoes.” He contrasted her coolness with his own perceived lack of style at the time. Despite no words being exchanged, the encounter left a lasting impression. For Peter Gallagher, it was a powerful moment, leading to a seven-year endeavor to win her over.
He confessed to strategically positioning himself in the cafeteria to be near her, aiming to make her laugh, a tactic that remains a cornerstone of their relationship. This anecdote showcases the gradual, often humorous, development of their relationship, moving from a chance encounter to persistent effort and connection.
From Dating to Marriage: A Rainy Day Proposal
Recounting his proposal, Peter Gallagher shared a less-than-romantic but endearing story. Driving to Boston in a torrential rainstorm to attend a friend’s wedding, he initiated the marriage conversation somewhat awkwardly. Amidst sheets of rain obscuring the windshield, Gallagher vaguely inquired about the concept of marriage, prompting Paula to directly ask, “Are you asking me to marry you?” The proposal, far from being a grand gesture, was characterized by its relatable awkwardness and spontaneity. Following Paula’s affirmative response, Gallagher humorously recalled writing a letter to her father, promising to take care of her, a traditional touch to a modern love story.
“Failing in Marriage Does Not Mean Failing at Marriage”: Peter Gallagher’s Interpretation
The core of the “Modern Love” episode was Peter Gallagher’s reading and discussion of Joe Blair’s essay, “Failing in Marriage Does Not Mean Failing at Marriage.” Gallagher resonated deeply with the essay’s exploration of marital imperfections and the enduring nature of love despite challenges. He emphasized the universality of feeling like one is “failing” in marriage at times, whether in grand or subtle ways. For Peter Gallagher, the essay highlights the importance of embracing the whole person, flaws and all, rather than focusing on transactional aspects of a relationship. He believes in appreciating the profound role a partner plays in one’s life and the trust that develops over time.
Love Beyond Transactions: An Unbreakable Bond
Peter Gallagher connected with Blair’s sentiment, “I love her because I can’t help it.” He affirmed experiencing this type of unconditional love with Paula. He shared a poignant story about observing his parents holding hands after years of a seemingly strained relationship, realizing the depth and resilience of their bond. This observation taught him about the potential for “grace” in long-term relationships, achieved simply by “sticking it out” and staying committed.
Expanding on Blair’s redefinition of marriage, Gallagher agreed that marriage is not a business transaction or a pet-owner dynamic. Instead, he sees it as a journey of personal growth, learning self-forgiveness, and extending that forgiveness and love to one’s partner. He believes self-love is crucial for loving another person, suggesting that forgiving oneself for perceived shortcomings allows for greater generosity and understanding in a relationship.
The Wisdom of a Mother’s Advice: A Turning Point
Peter Gallagher shared a humorous yet insightful anecdote about a time he broke up with Paula early in their relationship. His mother, upon hearing this, offered him blunt but wise advice: any problems he perceived with Paula were likely his own issues, which he would carry into any relationship. She urged him to introspect and resolve his personal issues before discarding a potentially valuable relationship. This maternal wisdom proved pivotal, prompting Gallagher to reconsider and ultimately strengthen his bond with Paula. While he jokingly admitted it took him decades to fully internalize his mother’s advice, the story underscores the importance of self-awareness and personal responsibility in making relationships work.
Navigating Uncertainty: The Essence of Lasting Love
Returning to the question of how to determine if a relationship is “working,” Peter Gallagher reiterated the theme of uncertainty. He likened it to faith, emphasizing the need to accept the unknown and to focus on genuinely understanding and connecting with one’s partner. For Peter Gallagher, a successful marriage, exemplified by his relationship with Paula, is characterized by shared joy, laughter, and a deep sense of luck and appreciation for one another.
In conclusion, Peter Gallagher’s reflections on “Modern Love” offer a refreshing and realistic perspective on marriage and long-term relationships. His emphasis on commitment, navigating uncertainty, self-love, and unconditional acceptance provides valuable insights for anyone seeking to build and maintain a lasting partnership. His personal stories, interwoven with his interpretation of Joe Blair’s essay, create a compelling narrative about the enduring power of love, even amidst the inevitable imperfections and challenges of marriage.
